Light That Blinds
by anokasdoll
Summary: I tried to ignore it but as the venom devoured her senses the screams continued. Why you, my Bella, stayed, loved me, and wanted me was beyond anything I could fathom." 2 shot. Both Bella's and Edward's POV.
1. Light that blinds

**Light That Blinds****  
by anokasdoll**

A/N: My take on the beginning of Bella's life as a vampire, beginning on her transformation. Both Bella's and Edward's POV. Enjoy.

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She laid in the bed with her knees up to her chest, her head slightly leaning back and her eyes lost in the emptiness of the ceiling. The shine in her eyes was gone. They were pretty eyes, yes, but the usual glow was missing. The deepness, where I so many times found myself lost in, was missing. Did the glow run, hide, died? No, everything but dead, please. My mind went over it again and again – not dead, please, please, please… Most of my pleading was not loud, but somehow I knew that she heard the request, that my words found a way to her heart.

That was because, now and then, her eyes drifted to my face and she smiled. The smile was just like her eyes, full of pain, forced and lost but - and that I had no doubt - it was sincere. And with that smile, she gave me strength. A vicious cycle, fragile but that kept us both free of resentments. Despite that, even if she didn't smile or grant me the beauty of her eyes, I would still send her all the possible strength, the strength you gave me (perhaps without my knowledge?) through time. And now, all I had left for the time being was to watch her lying there, incapable of giving anything.

My darling, why?

This was my fault and I knew it. No matter how many times she had denied it, I knew the truth. She would still be alive, with her family and friends and – ugh – and Jacob, if not for me. If not for the stupid promise we had to make to the merciless creatures (so much like myself) in Italy, again because of me and my actions. If not for me, she would still have a soul… She said once that my love for her was the proof that I indeed had a soul. But just because you want to believe in something, doesn't make it any more truthful.

I would've dwelled on the matter but the sighs outside the door startled me. They came back. I knew that my family was as concerned with her as they were with me. Sometimes, one of them would enter the room to check on her, but before leaving, they would look at me and silently ask if I was okay. They were afraid that the temptation of the blood was too much for me to bear, or that I was going to have a mental breakdown. But of all my concerns, her blood was the smallest. I waited and waited for the burning in my throat to come to life but it didn't. And, although I would reassure them that I was fine, I couldn't deny it to myself. I could feel her pain and that killed me inside. Knowing that was my teeth, my venom, my greed, and my selfishness that caused her pain.

I inhale deeply, letting the last wisps of her natural aroma fill me. Again, I was surprised not to feel the ache in my throat, not to have the venom rush into my mouth. But this wasn't only due to the resistance I had gained, for even when her blood reached my mouth, my natural instincts didn't wake up.

The slices in her arms, throat, ankles … Plenty of them, some deep, and others superficial would likely leave scars in more than one way. But if they closed, to never again be reopened, it would be worth it. I kept humming the anthem I had written to her, although I knew she couldn't hear it.

I pictured in my head the future that lied ahead – everything not to hear the screams that sliced my undead heart – but I could not imagine her. I knew that everything would be worth it, but this moment was also my time to grieve what I was loosing. Never again to save her from the inevitable clumsiness, never again to surprise her with my speed, never again to feel the heat, never again to see her lovely blush, never again to hear her heart… Nothing compared to what I would gain, for sure, but still those were the symbols of the humanity I stolen. If only we could trade places… If only… If… Our story still played it self in my head. No. Not a story, because a story asks for an ending and I could not imagine an ending for us. Simply inconceivable.

Forever. You promised.

I've felt many kinds of hate. God knows I have and towards people who deserved it. And, although I was already used to this feeling, now it became much worse. The worst kind of hate now adorned my heart – hate towards myself. Knowing that I made this mistake; that I've brought so much pain upon the only person that loved me - that I loved – was the reason behind my unshed tears. What could I have done differently was the question bugging my mind. But it was the wrong one. I should be asking myself what I could do to fix it. But that brings the most dreadful possibility: what if it can't be fixed?

But if you changed your mind? The thought alone tormented me. She has no idea what she's giving up and turning herself into. No matter how much she has seen and the proximity to our world, she has no clue what is to be like us. There's no way she can understand what is like to have no heart beat, understand the thirst, the eternity, and we have to do for survival. There's no way one can understand it, except one feeling it.

Bella, my Bella. What if you wake up and regret it all?

I knew this could not be undone – oh, and I knew this too well – that there was no turning back, that it was irreversible. Murder. Plain and simple. She was dying – the first time I admitted it to myself. Death is the cessation of the biological functions that define living organisms. Her heart was stopping. I could hear his last beats along with my sallow and unnecessary breaths. But I was going to compensate it as much as I could. She would be happy, and I would make sure of that regarding everything within my reach. And she would be safe; I would also make sure that nothing would ever harm her again. I hoped that such actions were not necessary but if so, I would eradicate every James, every Victoria, every member of the Volturi.

I tried to ignore it but as the venom devoured her senses the screams continued. Why you, my Bella, stayed, loved me, and wanted me was beyond anything I could fathom.

Tick tack

Tick tack

24 hours to go.

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A/N: Thanks for reading. Please leave a review telling me what you think. Possibly will edit after Breaking Dawn.


	2. Knowing your senses

**Light that Blinds**

**Chapter 2: Knowing your senses**

One minute my whole body was on fire and I plead for death as I went through the worst kind of hell. I couldn't even begin to describe it if I tried, not even with an eternity a head of me to think about it. I was conscious of everything happening to me. My skin turning into white icy marble; my bones snapping and turning into everlasting rock; my muscles dissolving, phasing, and taking an unfamiliar shape; my lungs hardening and barely filling with its last gasps of air; my blood turning into powerful venom; the chemical changes in my brain… Every sing cell in my body changing painfully. I didn't know if my senses had already enhanced due to the transformation or if I was merely delusional, but I could swear I heard my heart struggling to give his final beats.

The next thing I know, everything stops. My brain took a few seconds to adjust itself to his new reality and a few more seconds to get out of the state of numbness caused by the pain. Was it really over? I was afraid of letting myself relax fearing that the pain would return. I laid completely still, taking measured breaths of unnecessary air, as a flood of memories threatened to swallow me whole. I was sure my face was expressionless but inside I felt a tornado of emotions! Relief, fear, shock, longing, numbness, confusion, and feelings I didn't know how to name and an unpleasant combination of them all.

Half of me expected to hear my erratic heartbeat, but the rational part knew it was stupid to expect that. I no longer had a heartbeat. I didn't know what to think about it. I didn't know what to feel about it! Shouldn't I feel something!? I clenched and unclenched my fists against my stomach - this body was so foreign to me that I even felt the necessity to test it, to see if I had any control over it. It didn't feel like my body at all. I couldn't help but to feel surprised, although I knew this was going to happen. The heartbeat wasn't the only thing missing. Better saying, the lack of a heartbeat wasn't the only change.

Silently I began to gather myself together and slowly I began to feel calmer.

Suddenly, I realized that I was more aware of everything around me than I had ever been. I could hear the rain falling outside the window, creating a soft melody to my ears. I could distinguish the sound of the wind racing and the fast beat of the fly's wings that stood by the closet. I knew by the volume, and by the feeling – almost ticklish – that the wind left on my skin, that the window was open. But I didn't feel cold. Again, foolishly, half of me expected me to feel so. Also, I could feel and hear two people in room with me. I could feel the pressure of someone's body on the bed next to mine.

I took a deep breath and let my sense of smell guide me.

This time, I was not surprised to verify that this sense had also improved. It was a bit scary and unusual to have so sensitive senses. Everything I was used to hear, smell and feel had been multiplied by a hundred. I supposed it would just take a little time to get used to, as everything else. After all, it should be a welcome change.

I was completely sure that Edward was the one lying next to me. Absolutely nothing would make me forget that smell. I couldn't describe it using words. It wasn't like when he said that my sent was somewhat floral… He smelled like himself. And it was the best scent in the world.

There were only two senses I had yet to test, and one of them was sight. Very slowly, I opened my eyes. Blood red orbs stared at me from the shadows of the room, just inches away from mine. But I just laid there, in a calm trance, still motionless. I wasn't afraid. Because I knew those eyes. The colour was foreign and dangerous, but those eyes were still beautiful. Still his. The eyes closed, as he took a deep intake of breath. Seconds later they were open again, but I could see a whole new depth in them. They were filled with relief, fear, shock, longing … Just as me. But the dominant part was all the love. The same love that I felt. That caused my whole body to ache for his touch and his smile.

I stretched my arm and cupped his cheek with my hand. I couldn't help but to notice that our skin tones were exactly the same. Pale and smooth. I smiled at the thought. Our skin tone wasn't the only thing we had in common now. Now, we were equal. No more differences, no more special care, no more restrain! But… why isn't he smiling? Isn't he happy? Did he regret me?

In one swift motion his arms were around me. He buried his face in my hair, and I clenched my arms around his neck. I could barely feel his grip, and I knew it was because he was still afraid of me breaking into little pieces. I squeezed my arms tighter to let his know that it is impossible now. Because we're equals – again, I found myself grinning at the thought. Then I heard the door close, and my head instinctively turned towards it.

"Who?" I asked.

His face is still in my hair when he answered. "Carlisle. He was here to make sure everything was okay with you. He left to give us some privacy."

"How long was..?"

"59 hours and 48 minutes." Was it really that little? It felt like years. Pain swept through me as I realized that Edward had also to endure every minute of it. I never wanted him to be present but it was really a moot point. He was the one who bit me; therefore his presence in the room was inevitable. I had asked Emmett to take him out after it, but he had denied, saying not even two of him would be capable of getting him away from me at that moment. I would've dwelled on the subject further but his sigh caught me by surprise.

"What?" I asked reluctantly.

"Your scent." He replied after a few seconds. "It's still wonderful, but it's … different."

Again the same dreadful question ripped his way its way into my head. Did he regret changing me? My mouth opened but I quickly shut it back. I was too much of a coward to ask. Because I was sure if the answer was positive, my entire world would collapse.

We just laid there for an immeasurable amount of time, his fingers running through my hair, listening to the hum of the wind. None of us made a sound, or said anything. The silence was driving me nuts! It wasn't an uncomfortable silence – that never happened when I was with Edward – but not knowing what he was thinking… My brain was a turmoil of emotions and fears, as I discussed with myself the veracity of the possibility that he didn't want me anymore. I knew I was being silly, but on the other hand, I couldn't find any other explanation for the look in his eyes.

I was about to ask him that same question, but he beat me to it. "A penny for your thoughts?"

Normally I would lie or dodge the so famous question, fearing that he might be sad, but I didn't. Not only because he was _already_ sad – or so I assumed – but also because I wanted to put an end to the chaos of doubts in my head. "I was trying to find an answer to why you look so miserable… But the only answer I can think of is regret." Also, on a side note, I briefly wondered if my lying skills had improved as well…

He grabbed me by the waist and pulled me up, until we were face to face. His expression was a mild fusion of confusion, shock and pain. I immediately regretted voicing my thoughts. "Regret of what?" He asked, trying to cover for his emotions. The only thing he didn't know was that his eyes always gave him away, no matter what emotion he was feeling, no matter what color they were.

"Me…? Changing me?" I didn't put it as an assertion, but as a question, simply because the possibility of his answer being yes predicted itself as being worse that the 59 hours.

Edward closed his eyes with a sigh and braced his arm against my back, leaning forward to lightly press his lips against my collar bone. I closed my eyes as he left lingering kisses up and down my jaw. He repeated his path four times until he reached back to my ear and whispered forcefully. "Bella, don't you _ever_ doubt my love for you! I regret a lot of things but having you here with me and the prospect of forever with you is most definitely not one of them… My only hope is that you don't regret it either."

His answer erased all the bad feelings from my body and all the bad thoughts from my head. I pulled myself into his lap, smiling like a mad woman. "You should know better than asking, Edward." I mockingly scolded him. "But I do like how forever sounds like – a lot."

And then he closed the gap between our mouths. I gasped lightly, not expecting what had come. My eyes fluttered shut, and I happily responded to him. My lips pressed against his, and it felt wonderful. I brushed my tongue across his lips, and, for the first time, he accepted my request for an entrance. No longer bewildered, I kissed Edward with all the love I had to offer. In the beginning he was cautious and unsure. But, slowly the kiss became vicious and passionate, as he acknowledged my 'durability'. My arms slid around his neck, and he thrown his own around my waist, pulling me to him.

And for that alone, it was worth everything and more.

A/N: So, I haven't got my hands on Breaking Dawn yet – much for my dismay. If I don't get it earlier I'll buy it in my trip to London three weeks from now. Anyway, I hope you guys like this chapter. It took me longer because my computer broke down and I lost everything (I'm still mourning fro that lost… -.-) and I had to rewrite this. Next chapter will probably be in Edward's POV, although I find it slightly more difficult to make him justice, writing about everybody else's thoughts will be fun.

I'm quite proud of this one, and I would love to know what you think. Oh, and please no spoilers!

Love, anokasdoll.


	3. Author's Note

Well, this seems rather pointless now (now aka after BD)

**Author's Note:**

Well, this seems rather pointless now (now aka after BD)

I would like to thank everyone who has read my story. I can tell from the hits that a number of people have read it even thought not everyone has reviewed it. I especially want to thank those of you who have taken the time to review and have added my story to your alerts and favorites. It has meant a lot to me.

I'll probably delete this in two or three days.

Love, Ana


	4. AN 2

Well, this seems rather pointless now (now aka after BD)

**Author's Note:**

I changed my mind, this is gonna stay as a two shot. And before you ask, yes, I'm slightly bipolar.


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